The Demise of Dating

The New York Times ran an interesting Op-Ed today:

The paradigm has shifted. Dating is dated. Hooking up is here to stay.

(For those over 30 years old: hooking up is a casual sexual encounter with no expectation of future emotional commitment. Think of it as a one-night stand with someone you know.)

According to a report released this spring by Child Trends, a Washington research group, there are now more high school seniors saying that they never date than seniors who say that they date frequently. Apparently, it’s all about the hookup...

It turns out that everything is the opposite of what I remember. Under the old model, you dated a few times and, if you really liked the person, you might consider having sex. Under the new model, you hook up a few times and, if you really like the person, you might consider going on a date.

I asked her to explain the pros and cons of this strange culture. According to her, the pros are that hooking up emphasizes group friendships over the one-pair model of dating, and, therefore, removes the negative stigma from those who can’t get a date. As she put it, “It used to be that if you couldn’t get a date, you were a loser.” Now, she said, you just hang out with your friends and hope that something happens.

The cons center on the issues of gender inequity. Girls get tired of hooking up because they want it to lead to a relationship (the guys don’t), and, as they get older, they start to realize that it’s not a good way tofind a spouse. Also, there’s an increased likelihood of sexual assaults because hooking up is often fueled by alcohol.

That’s not good. So why is there an increase in hooking up? According to Professor Bogle, it’s: the collapse of advanced planning, lopsided gender ratios on campus, delaying marriage, relaxing values and sheer momentum.

It used to be that “you were trained your whole life to date,” said Ms. Bogle. “Now we’ve lost that ability — the ability to just ask someone out and get to know them.”

Now that’s sad.

In a city like New York City, this new paradigm of hooking-up is more obvious than ever. Ever night thousands of young people meet someone they don't know and sleep with them. As a guy, I can't say this is a bad thing, because on any given night out, you can have a little Brown Chicken, Brown Cow.

But like the author, I lament the death of dating. Almost all the relationships I can think of around me started as hook-ups, including some of my own past ones, but I think something is lost here. Maybe it's just me, but there's a certain old-fashioned romantic charm in getting to know someone a little and actually like them before you have sex with them. Essentially I think while the "hook-up" culture is a lot more free and exciting, it kills romance.

In my mind, there's nothing quite as romantic as people yearning for each other for a given time, and finally coming together, but then again I'm a huge romantic. It's the kind of story I want to have with a woman I marry... it's much more interesting to tell that story to your future kids, then "Mommy and Daddy met in a bar and used each other for casual sex for a few months before we decided we liked each other and became a couple."