Asian Teen Has Sweaty Middle-Aged-Man Fetish

Not sure if this is funny or just creepy. Probably both. You have to love the Rush Limbaugh picture in the back:

AOMORI, JAPAN—At first glance, 17-year-old Misaki Nakajima seems like any other shy and submissive Japanese schoolgirl. She loves shopping, text messaging, and the color pink. But beneath her wholesome exterior lies a wicked secret: Misaki Nakajima is consumed by sexual fantasies involving sweaty, middle-aged American men.

"I can't explain it," said Nakajima, dressed in a pleated miniskirt and pure white knee socks. "There's just something about American men who are at least twice my age and nearly three times my body weight that totally drives me wild."

Added Nakajima, "They're so hot."

The Onion is claryvoiant

This is from January 17, 2001. I urge you to read the whole thing. It predicts the Iraq War, the recession, the budget deficit and more. The Onion can tell the future:

WASHINGTON, DC–Mere days from assuming the presidency and closing the door on eight years of Bill Clinton, president-elect George W. Bush assured the nation in a televised address Tuesday that "our long national nightmare of peace and prosperity is finally over."

My fellow Americans," Bush said, "at long last, we have reached the end of the dark period in American history that will come to be known as the Clinton Era, eight long years characterized by unprecedented economic expansion, a sharp decrease in crime, and sustained peace overseas. The time has come to put all of that behind us."

Bush swore to do "everything in [his] power" to undo the damage wrought by Clinton's two terms in office, including selling off the national parks to developers, going into massive debt to develop expensive and impractical weapons technologies, and passing sweeping budget cuts that drive the mentally ill out of hospitals and onto the street.

During the 40-minute speech, Bush also promised to bring an end to the severe war drought that plagued the nation under Clinton, assuring citizens that the U.S. will engage in at least one Gulf War-level armed conflict in the next four years.

"You better believe we're going to mix it up with somebody at some point during my administration," said Bush, who plans a 250 percent boost in military spending. "Unlike my predecessor, I am fully committed to putting soldiers in battle situations. Otherwise, what is the point of even having a military?"

On the economic side, Bush vowed to bring back economic stagnation by implementing substantial tax cuts, which would lead to a recession, which would necessitate a tax hike, which would lead to a drop in consumer spending, which would lead to layoffs, which would deepen the recession even further.

Wall Street responded strongly to the Bush speech, with the Dow Jones industrial fluctuating wildly before closing at an 18-month low. The NASDAQ composite index, rattled by a gloomy outlook for tech stocks in 2001, also fell sharply, losing 4.4 percent of its total value between 3 p.m. and the closing bell.

Asked for comment about the cooling technology sector, Bush said: "That's hardly my area of expertise."

Turning to the subject of the environment, Bush said he will do whatever it takes to undo the tremendous damage not done by the Clinton Administration to the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge. He assured citizens that he will follow through on his campaign promise to open the 1.5 million acre refuge's coastal plain to oil drilling. As a sign of his commitment to bringing about a change in the environment, he pointed to his choice of Gale Norton for Secretary of the Interior. Norton, Bush noted, has "extensive experience" fighting environmental causes, working as a lobbyist for lead-paint manufacturers and as an attorney for loggers and miners, in addition to suing the EPA to overturn clean-air standards.

Bush had equally high praise for Attorney General nominee John Ashcroft, whom he praised as "a tireless champion in the battle to protect a woman's right to give birth."

"Soon, with John Ashcroft's help, we will move out of the Dark Ages and into a more enlightened time when a woman will be free to think long and hard before trying to fight her way past throngs of protesters blocking her entrance to an abortion clinic," Bush said. "We as a nation can look forward to lots and lots of babies."

Continued Bush: "John Ashcroft will be invaluable in healing the terrible wedge President Clinton drove between church and state."

The speech was met with overwhelming approval from Republican leaders.

"Finally, the horrific misrule of the Democrats has been brought to a close," House Majority Leader Dennis Hastert (R-IL) told reporters. "Under Bush, we can all look forward to military aggression, deregulation of dangerous, greedy industries, and the defunding of vital domestic social-service programs upon which millions depend. Mercifully, we can now say goodbye to the awful nightmare that was Clinton's America."

"For years, I tirelessly preached the message that Clinton must be stopped," conservative talk-radio host Rush Limbaugh said. "And yet, in 1996, the American public failed to heed my urgent warnings, re-electing Clinton despite the fact that the nation was prosperous and at peace under his regime. But now, thank God, that's all done with. Once again, we will enjoy mounting debt, jingoism, nuclear paranoia, mass deficit, and a massive military build-up."

An overwhelming 49.9 percent of Americans responded enthusiastically to the Bush speech.

"After eight years of relatively sane fiscal policy under the Democrats, we have reached a point where, just a few weeks ago, President Clinton said that the national debt could be paid off by as early as 2012," Rahway, NJ, machinist and father of three Bud Crandall said. "That's not the kind of world I want my children to grow up in."

"You have no idea what it's like to be black and enfranchised," said Marlon Hastings, one of thousands of Miami-Dade County residents whose votes were not counted in the 2000 presidential election. "George W. Bush understands the pain of enfranchisement, and ever since Election Day, he has fought tirelessly to make sure it never happens to my people again."

Bush concluded his speech on a note of healing and redemption.

"We as a people must stand united, banding together to tear this nation in two," Bush said. "Much work lies ahead of us: The gap between the rich and the poor may be wide, be there's much more widening left to do. We must squander our nation's hard-won budget surplus on tax breaks for the wealthiest 15 percent. And, on the foreign front, we must find an enemy and defeat it."

"The insanity is over," Bush said. "After a long, dark night of peace and stability, the sun is finally rising again over America. We look forward to a bright new dawn not seen since the glory days of my dad."

Beaten, Bloodied T.J. Houshmandzadeh Hoping Obama Closes Gitmo Soon

I thought this was a pretty funny Onion article:

GUANTÁNAMO BAY, CUBA—News that President Obama had called an immediate halt to detainee prosecutions came as a "welcome relief" to the Bengals' Iranian-American wide receiver Touraj "T.J." Houshmandzadeh, who has suffered through daily questioning sessions at the hands of government interrogators since being detained last December.

"They told me through the slot in my door that Obama will try and close Gitmo within the year," Houshmandzadeh said in a voice barely above a whisper, presumably to avoid aggravating his shattered teeth and cracked jaw. "With any luck, the president will have me out of here by July, so I can get my cracked cheekbone and orbit looked at, regrow the nails on my left hand, have the blood drained from my eye, and rehab my left knee and ankle so I can jump right into training camp."

LaDainian Tomlinson To Play Next Game Without A Groin

Hahaha:

SAN DIEGO—Chargers running back LaDainian Tomlinson, who was forced to leave last week's game in the second quarter after aggravating a groin injury, announced Wednesday that he will play Sunday's game against Pittsburgh without the aid of his groin. "The team will need me against the Steelers, and I can't afford to let my groin hold me back, so the groin is staying on the bench for this one," said Tomlinson, who made the decision against the recommendation of team doctors. "I would have just bit it off on the sidelines last week, like Ronnie Lott did with his pinkie that one time, but [running back] Darren [Sproles] told me he had the situation under control, and he did. That's one I owe him." Tomlinson's decision to play without a vital part of his anatomy is being compared to former Lions running back Barry Sanders' decision to play his entire career without his skeleton.

America's First Gay President Concludes Historic Second Term

(OK, I am on vacation, which I will be posting more because this is my idea of relaxing)

I'm not sure what to make if this latest entry from The Onion. No doubt I laughed, but that's probably because it was so out there:

WASHINGTON—President George W. Bush was unusually reflective in the final weeks of his administration, taking time during speeches and press conferences to look back on key decisions, expound on his legacy, and tout his role in paving the way for the nation's first African-American president by serving eight years as its first openly gay president.

"I'm inspired by our great country's willingness to look past the color of a man's skin—or, in my case, his overt homosexuality—and elect him based on his ability to lead," Bush told reporters following his meeting with president-elect Barack Obama on Nov. 10. "I've always been proud of my homosexuality, and I am so proud of the United States."

Bush added, "Thank you, America, for taking a chance on an openly gay man from Texas: tight jeans, cowboy hats, and all."

Recalling how he worried during his first campaign that voters were not ready to put a gay man in the White House, Bush said he was "shocked and overjoyed" to win in 2000, and could not have done it without homo-sexual adviser Karl Rove, his strong base of closeted gay ultra-conservative supporters on the Christian right, and his "best friend" Laura.

"While I tried to be commander in chief first and a homosexual man second, I knew that everything I did would be judged through the lens of 'America's first gay president,'" Bush said during an interview with ABC's Charles Gibson broadcast Dec. 1. "Looking back, my personal need to prove my man-hood definitely influenced my actions. The arrogant swagger, invading Iraq, my ruthless support of the death penalty—heck, even setting back gay rights 25 years—all of it seems so silly now."

Former press secretary Ari Fleischer agreed, saying that Bush carefully cultivated his image as a masculine, simple-minded, heterosexual male in order to combat his insecurities about appearing weak before the international community.

"Believe me, sister, he overcompensated with a capital 'compensated,'" Fleischer said. "But when the cameras stopped rolling and the podium was put away, he was just fabulous. We had a fabulous, fabulous time."

While many will argue for generations about Bush's political impact, all seem to agree that his presidency at last proved to a once-disenfranchised group that anything is possible.

"I never thought I'd see this in my lifetime," said David Nevin, a 58-year-old homosexual living in New York. "And I probably won't again because he was a terrible fucking president who ruined it for all of us."

Added Nevin, "What a bitch."

Staten Island Historians Piece Together Genealogy Of Wu-Tang Clan

OK, I thought this was the funniest thing I've seen in the Onion in quite awhile maybe because I loved Wu-Tang Clan growing up, and maybe because I live in New York City now:

NEW YORK—In what many are calling the most comprehensive study of its kind, Staten Island historians Robert Wilburn and Charles Tinsley have successfully traced the lines of the infamous Wu-Tang Clan all the way back to 1993 A.D.

The monumental undertaking, which is being hailed as a major breakthrough in the field of hip-hop genealogy, used a series of historical records—including Wu-Tang Forever, Iron Flag, and 8 Diagrams—to piece together the group's vast and intricate ancestry.

"Through our exhaustive research, we have determined not only the start of the Wu-Tang Clan's reign, but also the very moment of its legendary downfall," said Wilburn, who has authored numerous books on the House of RZA. "Indeed, we now have conclusive proof as to why all the other wannabe MCs bowed down to this dynastic force."

According to Wilburn, it took trained scholars hundreds of hours to parse out Wu-Tang's complex lineage, with experts in nearly every discipline studying the group's dope oral traditions, as well as its customary and often fresh style of dress.

Haha, I am dying just reading it over again. (BTW, Enter the Wu-Tang (36 Chambers) is one 4 or 5 best hip-hop albums ever created).

The Onion's "I'm Not One Of Those 'Love Thy Neighbor' Christians"

You know it's good satire when so much of it rings true:(I bolded some of my favorite parts)

Now, granted, there are some Christians on the lunatic fringe who take their beliefs a little too far. Take my coworker Karen, for example. She's way off the deep end when it comes to religion: going down to the homeless shelter to volunteer once a month, donating money to the poor, visiting elderly shut-ins with the Meals on Wheels program—you name it!

But believe me, we're not all that way. The people in my church, for the most part, are perfectly ordinary Americans like you and me. They believe in the simple old-fashioned traditions—Christmas, Easter, the slow and deliberate takeover of more and more county school boards to get the political power necessary to ban evolution from textbooks statewide. That sort of thing.

We oppose gay marriage as an abomination against the laws of God and America, we're against gun control, and we fervently and unwaveringly believe that the Jews, Muslims, and all on earth who are not born-again Pentecostalists are possessed by Satan and should be treated as such.

When it comes down to it, all we want is to see every single member of the human race convert to our religion or else be condemned by a jealous and wrathful God to suffer an eternity of agony and torture in the Lake of Fire!

I hope I've helped set the record straight, and I wish you all a very nice day! God bless you!

Supreme Court Upholds Bill Of Rights In 5-4 Decision

Oh I love the Onion:

WASHINGTON—In a landmark decision Monday, the U.S. Supreme Court narrowly ruled to uphold the Bill of Rights, the very tenets upon which American society is based. "After carefully considering the relevance of the 10 inviolable rights that comprise the ideological foundation on which our nation is built, the court finds that these basic freedoms remain important for the time being, and should not be overturned," read the majority opinion authored by Justice Anthony Kennedy, who cast the tie-breaking vote. "Until such time as it can be definitively proven that citizens no longer require the protections provided by the Bill of Rights, it shall remain the principal legal guidance for the United States of America." The Supreme Court's latest decision comes on the heels of last month's 6-3 ruling to abolish the pursuit of happiness from the three inalienable rights guaranteed by the Declaration of Independence.